


I Hate Me, For Breathing Without You

by boltschick2612



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Birthday, M/M, Syracuse Crunch, Tampa Bay Lightning, ahl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-15
Updated: 2013-01-15
Packaged: 2017-11-25 14:12:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/639697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boltschick2612/pseuds/boltschick2612
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cory is pretty sure that Dustin might just be the worst boyfriend ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Hate Me, For Breathing Without You

**Author's Note:**

> This is so totally blueabsinthe's fault, because this all started when she pointed out to me that it was Cory Conacher's birthday. Then I pointed out that the poor baby bolt had to play on his birthday, and..yeah...story. This was supposed to be a quick little piece of birthdays fluff, but evolved into something much longer and much more complicated. Takes place after the Syracuse Crunch game on 12/14, as the team is getting back on the bus to go to the hotel. During that game, Riku Helenius earned a shutout. Title from "Like You" by Evanescence. Thanks and enjoy.

As he stepped on the bus at the Glen Falls Civic Center, Dustin half expected to scan the aisles, and find Cory already seated next to someone else. Still, when he did just that, and found his boyfriend three rows up from the back, already situated next to Riku, his heart dropped. He shot his gaze to the floor, heart pounding in his chest as he wondered what he could have possibly done to provoke the quiet aura that had been wrapped around Cory all day. Usually, Dustin's days were filled with the laughter and exuberance that just seemed to follow Cory around, but today, something was just...off.  
  
Dustin started going over in his mind all the possibilities of what it could be, what could make this day any different from the rest, as he scuffed the toe of his dress shoe over the dirty floor. The morning had started out the same as all the others, and he just couldn't put his finger on the exact moment things had taken a wrong turn.  
  
He had awoke that morning to find Cory already awake, wrapped in his arms. As he blinked his eyes against the harsh sun streaming in through the hotel windows, Dustin tried to pull Cory just a little bit closer. When he finally managed to pry his eyes open, he was bathed in the sight of Cory's crystalline eyes, staring at him. Most mornings, Cory's eyes were full of promise, Dustin's reminder of things yet to come, but this morning was different. There was something heavy, and almost...expectant... playing in his eyes. Cory gazed at him like he was waiting for him to say something in particular, but in his early morning daze, Dustin had no idea what it could be. What he did know, however, was that as long as he held Cory in his arms, no words were even necessary, so he said nothing, and let the quiet serenity fill their lives.  
  
The hazy morning was a distant memory by the time Dustin found himself between the pipes for morning practice, or at least it had been, until he noticed the far off stare in Cory's eyes. Dustin tried to shake it off, tried to not overthink things, as he so often did, but he couldn't help the feeling that he had set the day's course off in the wrong direction from the start. There was a feeling in the pit of his stomach, an inkling that maybe for once, it wasn't what he did say that got him in trouble, but more what he didn't say.   
  
The rest of the morning passed with Dustin trying his best to focus, and Cory trying his best to look nonchalant. When they had arrived back to the hotel room after practice that morning, Cory made a beeline straight for the bed, throwing the covers over his body in frustration. Dustin didn't even have a chance to ask him what was bothering him, and figured it was just better to let him rest.   
  
While Cory lay peacefully in the bed next to him, Dustin tried to take his own advice and get some rest, but it was a lost cause. There were so many thoughts weighing heavy on his mind, and he couldn't tear his sight from what he considered absolute perfection in human form.   
  
He also couldn't seem to shake the fact that Cory had chosen to actually sleep during their game day nap. If it were anyone else, Dustin would dismiss it as someone simply using the few hours of free time exactly as intended, but this was Cory, and Dustin couldn't remember the last time they had actually slept before a game. Every game day for the past month, Dustin and Cory had spent the few sparse hours awarded to the players before a game ravaging each others bodies in almost every way imaginable, and for Cory to express that he'd rather sleep was totally out of character.  
  
They had only really gotten together about a month ago, but they had been spending every day since making up for all the missed moments they could have been sharing, if only they had seen what was so obvious a little bit sooner.  
  
Ever since that cold afternoon in Montreal when Cory had climbed into Dustin's hotel bed and started his world turning in a new direction, Dustin had been absolutely hooked on Cory's very existence. He could get drunk off of Cory's smile, high off the way his dark silken curls felt slipping through his fingers, and absolutely euphoric off the way Cory just fit perfectly under his chin when they were wrapped in a sweet embrace. Everything about Cory, every nuance, left Dustin feeling as if he was the luckiest person in the world. He didn't dare let Cory go, not even for a second, for fear of waking to find it all to have been a dream of the most thrilling and tormenting kind. Now, he was scared the dream might finally be wearing thin.   
  
Dustin was brought back to the present moment and surroundings by a strong hand on his shoulder and a voice coming from behind him.  
  
"Now's not the time to turn into a brick wall, man."  
  
Dustin turned around to see Brett behind him, standing in the bus' entrance way, smiling, although a little impatiently. In response, Dustin wearily shook his head, trying to clear the haze of thoughts from his brain. He let a small smile creep to his lips in a desperate attempt to keep up the facade that nothing was wrong. His voice sounded fake to his own ears, far off and overly enthusiastic.  
  
"Trying to tell me what to do, big shot?"  
  
Dustin let out a awkward chuckle, to show that he was only kidding, after all. He didn't really know Brett as well as he knew the rest of the team, and didn't want him to get the wrong idea. Brett had spent all of last year playing for the Lightning, but due to the lockout and his entry level contract, he had found himself on the Syracuse roster. While Dustin himself had gotten some time playing for Tampa last year when Mathieu Garon had been injured, it just didn't compare to playing with the same group of guys, day in and day out.  
  
He was slightly relieved when Brett met his smile with one of his own, and gently pushed at his shoulder to get him moving. "Trying to. Succeeded."  
  
Dustin shook his head, let out a breathy laugh, and turned back around to make his way down the aisle. He scuffed his shoes loudly over the floor as he ambled towards the back, he was trying to use his slow pace as a distraction, and to buy him some time. He didn't want to saunter past Cory, because he knew once he did, he'd have to look into his fiery blue eyes, and then one of two things would happen. He just might be compelled to collapse to his knees, ignoring all the looks of his teammates, and become a groveling, snivelling mess until Cory told him what was wrong. And if that didn't happen, he might just have to fight the overwhelming impulse to crawl onto Cory's lap and press his lips to every perfect expanse of exposed skin, and when he finally did run out of places to kiss, he'd simply expose some more.   
  
He was so deep in thoughts of his lips skating over Cory's porcelain skin, that he almost didn't realize he was stagnant in the aisle, standing right next to where Riku and Cory were sitting. Dustin's heart was pounding in his chest as he shot his gaze to where Cory was sitting, next to the window, sandwiched between it and the team's tall backup goalie. Cory was doing his best to make it seem that he didn't even notice Dustin's presence, he had taken to peering out the window and biting at his thumbnail, the awkward uneasiness radiating off of him in waves. With his heart drumming in his ears, Dustin let another fake smile become plastered on his face, shot his gaze to Riku, and reached down to place a hand on his shoulder.   
  
"Congrats on the shutout, man. That was standardly decent."  
  
It didn't matter how long Riku and Dustin had been friends, or even how many times he had heard Dustin's own brand of slang, Riku still didn't quite catch on to his way of speaking. He guessed it was one of those that just didn't translate well.  
  
After Dustin glanced at Cory once more, only to see him still pretending to be fixated on whatever was outside the bus window, it became obvious he wasn't going to be joining in on their conversation. He gave Riku a hearty pat on the back and spoke to him in a whispered tone.  
  
"That's a good thing."  
  
Some of Cory's uneasiness spilled over to Dustin, and he suddenly felt as if wanted to be anywhere else, or maybe, if he was lucky, the floor would open up and swallow him whole. He missed the broad smile and slightly mumbled "thank you" that Riku threw his way, because he was too busy staring at Cory, wishing for something...anything, really...to make him smile again. As he continued on his shuffling trek, retreating to the row of seats along the back wall of the bus, his mind was a whirl of questions, and it was going everywhere and nowhere all at once. He barely noticed when his body came in contact with the seat, and was only half aware of his hand fishing his phone from his pocket.   
  
As he sat in the seat, a little numb, Dustin went over everything in his mind, his thoughts churning. What could he have possibly done? Did it even matter? What did he have to do to make Cory smile again, was he even capable of making that happen?  
  
Dustin listened to the faint rumble of the bus engine starting up, and it was almost enough to lull him to sleep, if only his thoughts weren't a chaotic mess. He couldn't escape the feeling that this was all about some words or feelings he had failed to express. He somehow instinctively knew it was because Cory had looked at him that morning, just looked at him with an expectant hope flashing in his hopelessly blue eyes...and Dustin didn't give him whatever it was he wanted to hear.  
  
Except, now, and for the first time all day, Dustin thought he knew what it was Cory had been waiting for him to say. His hands trembled as he unlocked his phone, opened a new text, and addressed to Cory. Had it really come to this, texting his own boyfriend when he was only feet away? It wasn't like he could really climb out of his seat, stalk to where Cory was sitting three rows away, and demand that they talk. In the end, Dustin supposed it was his own fault. If only he had said the words sooner...  
  
His fingers typed out the message, and he almost couldn't believe the words he saw on the screen, hovering before his eyes.  
  
 **Is this because I haven't told you I love you yet?**  
  
Dustin winced as he read the text over once more. Truth be told, he had wanted to tell Cory that he loved him for so long. So long, in fact, that he'd actually forgotten what it felt like to think of anything outside of Cory and himself. He had even forgotten what it felt like to breathe without Cory by his side, but he knew he didn't want to be reminded. He shook his head over the choice of words displayed in the message, and his fingers made fast work of deleting them, then replacing them with others.  
  
 **This is because I haven't said I love you.**  
  
No, that wasn't any better. Why hadn't he told Cory what was in his heart? What was he scared of? His thumb hovered over the 'send' button, but he knew those weren't the words he had wanted to say, and the powerful grip of sleep was starting to work it's way into his brain. He fought it as long as he could, and he had given up trying to put his feelings into a simple text. He didn't want to fall under the hold of sleep, he didn't want to do anything except stare at the seat three rows ahead of him, watching Cory's every movement from afar. He didn't mean to fall alseep, but the powerful pull of slumber was too much. His eyes slowly slid shut, and the phone fell from his hand, landing on the seat beside him with a light thud.  
  
He never even woke when Cory quietly slid into the seat next to him. When the bus finally jerked to a halt in front of their hotel, Dustin jerked awake with it, and was surprised to feel the heaviness of Cory's head resting on his shoulder. He glanced over at Cory as he slept, peaceful and perfect. He resisted to urge to kiss Cory awake and ask him if the whole day had been a dream, but for that moment, Dustin knew he'd just have to settle on basking in the warmth of Cory's presence.  
  
  
  


                                                                                                   -X-

  
  
  
  
As soon as Dustin stepped into the hotel room with Cory trailing behind him, he knew the whole day hadn't been a dream. The quiet that had permeated Cory's demeanor earlier returned as they groggily shuffled off the bus, and continued the entire elevator ride up to the third floor. While it was true they were sharing an elevator car with Mike and Pierre-Cedric, and it wasn't like he could choose that moment to ask Cory what was wrong, Dustin knew the ride would have been the same with or without other people there.   
  
As he crossed over the threshold and into the quiet, sparse hotel room, Dustin waited for Cory's strong hands to grab him by the shoulders and pin him up against the wall. He waited for Cory to start pressing kisses to his heated flesh with his usual tenacity, the whole thing leaving him breathless as it so often did. That was usually how their nights ended, especially after a big win like they just had. He waited, and waited and...nothing.  
  
Dustin slowly moved to the nightstand by his bed, half suspended in a daze, and started to empty his pockets, sliding his cell phone from his pants pocket and setting it down. He watched as Cory did the same, utterly silent, and Dustin knew he couldn't go on like this any longer. His pulse was pounding as he deftly moved his body to where Cory was standing. The air between them was charged, and Dustin thought how it seemed to extend out for miles, that there was far too much space between them, despite the fact they were only inches apart. The electricity was coursing through his veins as he reached out and gently grabbed at Cory's wrist, the first contact they had all day. Cory met his eyes, the intense blue of his irises burning into Dustin's soul. He was held speechless as every emotion played out in Cory's eyes; longing, sadness, love.   
  
"Please, tell me what's wrong," Dustin finally managed to get out through a hoarse whisper. He was almost sure he knew what Cory was going to say next. His breath escaped him, warm and ragged, as he looked down at Cory, searching his face as his lips silently moved, as if he was trying to find the right words.  
  
Finally, Cory just shut his eyes and swallowed hard, as if telling himself to just get on with it. His eyes fluttered open again, and his lower lip jutted out slightly in a pout that was only partially for dramatic effect. He felt kind of silly even letting something like this bother him to the extent that it did, but it was more the principle of the thing, and...  
  
"Today is my birthday. And you didn't-"  
  
Dustin rapidly blinked his eyes. That was not at all what he was expecting Cory to say. A sly smile crept to his lips as a wave of relief washed over him. He let out a breathy laugh, and planted a kiss to Cory's forehead. "Oh, Cor. Why didn't you say something sooner?"  
  
Cory rested his head against Dustin's chest and smiled, his lips brushing over the hollow of Dustin's throat. The entire mood shifted, and Dustin knew he would gladly do anything and everything in his power, walk the ends of the earth, if only it meant that he could see Cory smile.  
  
After what seemed like too long, but not long enough, Cory pulled away from the embrace and looked up at Dustin with laughter dancing in eyes. "I'm pretty sure you're like, the worst boyfriend ever."  
  
Dustin let his fingers trail through Cory's dark strands, letting himself get lost in the blue pool of Cory's eyes. He knew he couldn't let another moment pass him by, and he pressed a kiss to Cory's lips before sending a whisper into the air, revealing all the things he should have said sooner.  
  
"Sorry. I'm kinda new to this whole 'being in love' thing."  
  
Now Cory was the one left stunned. He reached up and ran his hand along Dustin's jawline, letting his words play over in his mind, letting it all sink in. Dustin said he loves him. Dustin...said...he loves him. It was one of those things Cory had never even realized he had wanted to hear, until he actually heard it. Now, he couldn't imagine a life without those words being shared between them. He skated his thumb over Dustin's full lips, his touch soft, yet electric. Dustin closed his eyes and relished in Cory's touch, he could absolutely drown in Cory if he let himself. His eyes snapped open as his thoughts brought him back to Cory's earlier words.  
  
"I'll be right back. Wait for me?" Dustin said, pulling back slightly from the embrace.   
  
Cory met Dustin's rich, brown eyes with a look that was almost pleading, a look that shouted "don't go". He pulled Dustin back to him as his voice escaped him in an almost embarrassing whimper. "Where you going?"  
  
"Out. Don't you want birthday presents? Sugar-free cupcakes with candles on top?"  
  
Cory didn't hesitate, not even for a second. He let a smile curl around the corners of his lips, and his intense blue eyes burned with fiery compassion as he looked at Dustin and slowly shook his head.

"No. I have everything I could ever want, right here."


End file.
